WARNING: This post is random and disjointed.
I feel I should write more, but I get bogged down with the details, wanting my words to be linear, profound. Instead my thoughts get disjointed. I have scraps of paper with questions, phrases, small paragraphs. Instead of trying to write anything cohesive, I am sharing my randomness.
Questions I ask myself:
Do most people with anxiety also have low self esteem or lack confidence?
I sometimes wonder if I have an antisocial personality.
I wonder if because I know I overreact if I give people more leeway than I should.
When things aren’t going my way, and I feel like I have no control, I feel this constant uneasiness. Discomfort. Tension. I need to compartmentalize and make things better. I can’t stand uncontrollable (in my mind) chaos. Everything needs to be tied with a bow. No loose ends. I need to have the answer or the path to the answer at all times.
I vacillate between wanting to be more open and stand up for myself and then never speak and isolate in my cube. I was probably initially diagnosed with depression because of this isolation and helplessness.
Are there really people that don’t think all the time? Is that possible? Is it possible to have just one moment of complete peace? I can’t fathom that at all. (Apparently I’ve been spelling ‘fathom’ wrong my entire life. Thanks, spellcheck). Adult me is always analyzing every thought, every action, even in meditation. “Am I doing this right? I know there is no ‘right’, but am I on the right path?” “Stop thinking. Just listen.” “Ok. Am I appropriately listening now?”
Do I do anything solely for myself? I think I do everything either to make others happy or in defiance of others. Either way, everything I do is solely to elicit a response from someone. I will never stop caring what others think of me.
I need to stop pulling out my hair. Will more meditation help that? I don’t have bald spots, but it’s definitely shorter in places.
What would happen if I deactivated my Facebook? Would my anxiety and paranoia decrease? Do all people with anxiety also have some level of paranoia? My husband tells me that people don’t care enough about me to think about me as much as I worry they do. He says this is how I am like Sheldon, that I think people are thinking about me, that they do things because of me. He also has stated that he doesn’t believe I actually have a disorder. I have to accept that he will never really understand.
My Pandora is on a Ryan Adams kick again.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Let go of your shoulders. Let go of the space between your eyebrows. Let your jaw drop open. Let yourself be fully supported by your chair. Feel all points where you make contact with the chair. Notice any thoughts and label them as thoughts. Let them float by without attaching to them. They are like clouds in the sky. Let go of all that doesn’t serve you. All we have is this moment. Breathe it in. Notice sounds, smells without attachment, without judgment. Breathe in. Let it go.