So You Found a Girl Who Thinks Really Deep Thoughts

WARNING: This post is random and disjointed.

I feel I should write more, but I get bogged down with the details, wanting my words to be linear, profound.  Instead my thoughts get disjointed.  I have scraps of paper with questions, phrases, small paragraphs.  Instead of trying to write anything cohesive, I am sharing my randomness.

Questions I ask myself:

Do most people with anxiety also have low self esteem or lack confidence?

I sometimes wonder if I have an antisocial personality.

I wonder if because I know I overreact if I give people more leeway than I should.

Paragraphs:

When things aren’t going my way, and I feel like I have no control, I feel this constant uneasiness. Discomfort.  Tension.  I need to compartmentalize and make things better. I can’t stand uncontrollable (in my mind) chaos.  Everything needs to be tied with a bow.  No loose ends.  I need to have the answer or the path to the answer at all times.

I vacillate between wanting to be more open and stand up for myself and then never speak and isolate in my cube.  I was probably initially diagnosed with depression because of this isolation and helplessness.

Are there really people that don’t think all the time?  Is that possible?  Is it possible to have just one moment of complete peace?  I can’t fathom that at all. (Apparently I’ve been spelling ‘fathom’ wrong my entire life.  Thanks, spellcheck).  Adult me is always analyzing every thought, every action, even in meditation.  “Am I doing this right?  I know there is no ‘right’, but am I on the right path?”  “Stop thinking.  Just listen.”  “Ok.  Am I appropriately listening now?”

Do I do anything solely for myself?  I think I do everything either to make others happy or in defiance of others.  Either way, everything I do is solely to elicit a response from someone.  I will never stop caring what others think of me.

I need to stop pulling out my hair.  Will more meditation help that?  I don’t have bald spots, but it’s definitely shorter in places.

What would happen if I deactivated my Facebook?  Would my anxiety and paranoia decrease?  Do all people with anxiety also have some level of paranoia?  My husband tells me that people don’t care enough about me to think about me as much as I worry they do.  He says this is how I am like Sheldon, that I think people are thinking about me, that they do things because of me.  He also has stated that he doesn’t believe I actually have a disorder.  I have to accept that he will never really understand.

My Pandora is on a Ryan Adams kick again.

 

 

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Let go of your shoulders.  Let go of the space between your eyebrows.  Let your jaw drop open.  Let yourself be fully supported by your chair.  Feel all points where you make contact with the chair.  Notice any thoughts and label them as thoughts.  Let them float by without attaching to them. They are like clouds in the sky.  Let go of all that doesn’t serve you.  All we have is this moment.  Breathe it in.  Notice sounds, smells without attachment, without judgment.  Breathe in.  Let it go.

 

 

Namaste

 

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God Help Me. Am I the Only One Who’s Ever Felt This Way?

I don’t remember the last time (if ever) I was able to focus on one thing at a time.  I’m sitting in a very useful training for my job, and the trainer is very good, but I’m also thinking about this blog, wondering if my coworker like me, figuring out the best route to the vet after work, and worrying that my eye sight is getting worse.  My brain never stops, even during meditation and hypnosis.  This is probably why I constantly have to pee so much at night, because my brain needs something on which to focus, and that’s the only thing on which it can focus.

This leads me to wonder how many people with OCD and Anxiety Disorders have co-occurring AD/HD.  How many of you have felt this way?  Have you felt that you couldn’t pay attention to one thing at a time?  Have you gotten distractedly fidgety in meetings no matter how interesting or important the topic was?

Because when a question pops into my head, I have to figure out the answer, I Googled OCD and AD/HD.  I found a really interesting article by Amitai Abramovitch, PhD, & Andrew Mittelman that after reading had me going, “duh.”  The biggest thing that I believe should have occurred to me being a Professional Counselor is that OCD is a disorder of Compulsivity while AD/HD is a disorder of Impulsivity.  This being said, the article states that 21% of children and 8.5% of adults have both.

So go here and read this article and let me know your thoughts and if/how you’ve experienced this:http://ocfoundation.org/default.aspx?id=3043  

30 Minutes in My Head

Here is a snapshot of some of my thoughts within a 30 minute period.

8:45AM I left my work laptop at home.  I overhead coworkers asking a question; I know the answer but don’t want to appear like I’m eavesdropping.  I say nothing.  I peeled the gel polish off 2 nails on each hand, and now I have to meet a client.  I hope his mom doesn’t judge me.  And this backup laptop is VERY SLOW.  I need to get my nails redone, but I’d have to put it on my credit card, and that would be bad.  Snap, crackle, pop.  Seriously this laptop is annoying.  Or maybe just different.  Maybe if I got used to it I’d be fine.  Ugh, gotta poop.  Hope I’m not still sick.  Sometimes I wonder if the person at work that pays my bills just pays no attention or just doesn’t care.  They fired my last person for lack of productivity, but this person is much slower in my opinion.  Am I too judgmental?  I’m sometimes afraid of people. 9:10AM