So You Found a Girl Who Thinks Really Deep Thoughts

WARNING: This post is random and disjointed.

I feel I should write more, but I get bogged down with the details, wanting my words to be linear, profound.  Instead my thoughts get disjointed.  I have scraps of paper with questions, phrases, small paragraphs.  Instead of trying to write anything cohesive, I am sharing my randomness.

Questions I ask myself:

Do most people with anxiety also have low self esteem or lack confidence?

I sometimes wonder if I have an antisocial personality.

I wonder if because I know I overreact if I give people more leeway than I should.

Paragraphs:

When things aren’t going my way, and I feel like I have no control, I feel this constant uneasiness. Discomfort.  Tension.  I need to compartmentalize and make things better. I can’t stand uncontrollable (in my mind) chaos.  Everything needs to be tied with a bow.  No loose ends.  I need to have the answer or the path to the answer at all times.

I vacillate between wanting to be more open and stand up for myself and then never speak and isolate in my cube.  I was probably initially diagnosed with depression because of this isolation and helplessness.

Are there really people that don’t think all the time?  Is that possible?  Is it possible to have just one moment of complete peace?  I can’t fathom that at all. (Apparently I’ve been spelling ‘fathom’ wrong my entire life.  Thanks, spellcheck).  Adult me is always analyzing every thought, every action, even in meditation.  “Am I doing this right?  I know there is no ‘right’, but am I on the right path?”  “Stop thinking.  Just listen.”  “Ok.  Am I appropriately listening now?”

Do I do anything solely for myself?  I think I do everything either to make others happy or in defiance of others.  Either way, everything I do is solely to elicit a response from someone.  I will never stop caring what others think of me.

I need to stop pulling out my hair.  Will more meditation help that?  I don’t have bald spots, but it’s definitely shorter in places.

What would happen if I deactivated my Facebook?  Would my anxiety and paranoia decrease?  Do all people with anxiety also have some level of paranoia?  My husband tells me that people don’t care enough about me to think about me as much as I worry they do.  He says this is how I am like Sheldon, that I think people are thinking about me, that they do things because of me.  He also has stated that he doesn’t believe I actually have a disorder.  I have to accept that he will never really understand.

My Pandora is on a Ryan Adams kick again.

 

 

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Let go of your shoulders.  Let go of the space between your eyebrows.  Let your jaw drop open.  Let yourself be fully supported by your chair.  Feel all points where you make contact with the chair.  Notice any thoughts and label them as thoughts.  Let them float by without attaching to them. They are like clouds in the sky.  Let go of all that doesn’t serve you.  All we have is this moment.  Breathe it in.  Notice sounds, smells without attachment, without judgment.  Breathe in.  Let it go.

 

 

Namaste

 

Advertisements

What Helps? What Doesn’t?

So in the past seventeen years I have tried a myriad of therapy and self-soothing techniques to effectively live with the symptoms of anxiety.  In this blog I’m asking you to comment on what you’ve tried, what’s worked, and what’s been utterly useless in your journey to wellness.

The most effective strategies I’ve experienced have been EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and to some extent hypnotherapy.  I also take Pristiq 100mg which has been the most effective anti-depressant I’ve been prescribed.  I know many people that don’t believe that Pristiq works at all, but it works for me.

Strategies that have been less than effective have been regular talk therapy, couples therapy, Zoloft & Paxil, and distraction & avoidance.

So my hopes are that this post and its comments can be a forum for sharing our strategies in the spirit of helping each other.  We do not exist in isolation.  We are not “other”.  We are not weird.  We are not broken.  Please share, and let me know if this is helpful.

Why “Margarita in pill form?”

I was never a big drinker.  At times some may have seen me a type of teetotaler.  Then I discovered Chipotle margaritas.  Not only were they delicious, but I noticed that after drinking one my “give-a-damn” went away.  I didn’t agonize over decisions like whether or not I should say what I was thinking.  I didn’t care.  I was calm.  I could enjoy things without worrying about what would happen next.

The problem with margaritas for me is that they have lots of calories.  As one of the major things I obsess about daily is my weight, AND to keep that same feeling of not caring would require more margaritas, I thought maybe I should seek another method.  The next time I went to my doctor, I asked if she had something that had the effects of a margarita in pill form.  She gave me a script for Xanax.

For the record, as a mental health professional I am wary of taking the Xanax.  It’s a PRN (as needed) script.  She gives me 15 at a time which usually lasts me a year, so by the time I’ve used them, the script has expired.  I struggle with the necessity of taking medication.  It’s still hard to accept that this is a real biological problem and not a deficit in my personality and character.  I don’t want to lean on medication as a crutch without making my best effort to work on my other “Coping Skills.”  I am working on accepting myself and the fact that I will need to work on this my entire life.  I am working toward “Mindfulness.”

So there’s the origin of this blog.  This is my journey as I continuously learn new ways to accept and cope with my anxiety and doubt.  Each post will be a little different.  Some will be narrative.  Some will be stream of thought.  The purpose is to attempt to capture my daily experience as accurately and REAL as I can.  I will falter.  I will annoy you (and me) and make you (and me) mad.  But that is real.

On a lighter note, after Lent (because I gave up alcohol for Lent), I will start posting a different margarita recipe that I’ve tried at the end of each post.  You know, because it’s in the title. 😉

Peace to all.  Namaste.