Am I going to be in therapy my entire life? I have been going on and off for 17 years, and although there are things about me I have a much better understanding of, I don’t feel any better, anymore confident, any less anxious, any more mature. I still cry. I still take everything personally. I still lash out.
I feel like I haven’t found that one underlying reason that I am the way I am. EMDR has helped with specific phobias and fears like vomit and letting other people drive me, but this self-loathing, inability to make a decision, fear of abandonment never gets resolved.
Do I just live with it? Is there a magic formula? Is it truly day by day? Will I never wake up one day and realize that I get it, and now everything will be great? Am I meant to?
Is this where I practice acceptance? Is this where I take the concept of no positive or negative? Things just are what they are with no value, no judgement. Sometimes that sounds so depressing, so boring, so just existing.
I am going to a workshop on cultivating contentment in July, so maybe that will provide some guidance. I worry, though, about contentment turning into complacency. I told my current counselor that I am worried that if I become content and accepting of myself, that I will stop trying which will lead to backsliding. Backsliding into what? Gaining more weight than I already have? Becoming more of a selfish bitch?
My mom, friends, and counselor tell me that I need to relax more, but the thing is that I really don’t do as much as I could. I let my anxiety overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion, and then I get lazy. When I do accomplish things, I do it in a hypomanic frenzy because I don’t know how long I’ll have the motivation or energy to complete tasks which is often what people see which leads them to believe I can’t relax. They don’t see all the time I sit on my phone while my 2-year-old watches Bubble Guppies or check Facebook at work. I could spend more of my lunch breaks taking walks to increase my exercise. I could create more interactive activities for me and my daughter that will help her learn and cultivate her own creativity, but more often than not I take her to playground and just watch her or put on Bubble Guppies.
Is that the anxiety speaking? See, it’s cyclical. I worry too much, and then don’t do anything. I am paralyzed by the fear of doing something wrong and then the exhaustion that comes from my brain never turning off.
So back to therapy I go. Back to rubbing on essential oils and yoga (when I don’t make an excuse not to go) and meditation (if I can stop my brain from analyzing whether or not I’m doing it right).